my depression is starting to control my life again, so i’ve started walking/running. this is my 4th day in a row and i can’t say i feel better but when im out there i forget it all, and i have a little bit of peace over my head after i get back home. going alone has been good for me, i dont have to talk to anyone and can listen to my music or whatever, i can slow down to enjoy the scenery and i can jog as far or as little as i please. i dont have to wait for or keep up with anybody and it’s been very pleasant, and just good for me to do it on my own.
life is a fight sometimes and its hard to stop caring about the things you love, sometimes i just lose a grip on them and its not that i dont care, not really, but i feel like everything should move without me. hearing about robin williams’ death last night rocked me, it kind of scares you to know you could still be actively fighting against your demons even in your 60’s. i guess it hit me hard, not because his roles were a constant part of my life but because i am like him in a way - im funny, sarcastic, smart, i love to make other people laugh, and i’m sad. and people tell you that time heals all wounds, but what if they are wrong?
but i suppose that is depression, that mindset that you will never find your way out of it, because it feels so often that you won’t, cant, and its not because you’re weak its because its an illness that warps the fine line of how things actually are and how you see them, and feel about them. i know what i care about and i try to use it to keep me grounded but it doesnt always turn out that way when you feel so guilty for having those things and people
i could not get out of bed this morning and the past 36 hours have been the ultimate struggle on whether i want to exist any longer, but in the end i always do. and i may do a lot of cowardly things, but i am no coward. i exist everyday even when i feel i cant possibly, even on the days when my body feels so heavy, when waking up is the worst thing that can happen.when participating in daily life is so exhausting.
i do it anyway.